John Cooper Clarke

Punk Poet. Precinct14 reminded me of this fantastic fella.

Bronze Adonis by JCC

She didn't like the rib cage / the coat-hanger hips
The razor-sharp shoulder blades / always give her jip
She's reading Edward De Bono under the palms
He sprays Odorono under his arms
I was to say the least alarmed
When the bronze adonis got her...

I lay beneath the parasol / watched him with the chicks
Horsing around with his aerosol / they whispered about his odd trick
"Send no cash... fear no man / you can be a love leviathan"
She's a fan of the man with a tan from a can
The bronze adonis got her

Mr and Mrs Universe / the folks who live in the gym
Each night she sleeps in a room marked her / he sleeps in a room marked him
Muscle bound for stardom / the apollo of your eye
Can't seem to get a hard on / oh Christ i wonder why
The bronze adonis got her

They honeymoon on muscle beach to cries of "beat it mac"
He plucks some puny pansy's peach / how do you like that
The bronze adonis got her

There stands the body gorgeous / men worship girls admire
He bravely bears the scourges and the squelch of squashed desire
What a physical jerk / no time for sex
Where's me bleedin' bullworker, baby oil and leopard kecks
Oh yeah / the bronze adonis got her

Hubba hubba yum yum wow / what a hunk of beef
Who made you the sacred cow / who hangs around his briefs
In the corner sauna / with his mates
Wanking away unwanted weight
That's his idea of a heavy date
The bronze adonis got her

This one is great, remember to read it with a Manchester acccent

You never see a nipple in the Daily Express by JCC

I've seen the poison letters of the horrible hacks
About the yellow peril and the reds and the blacks
And the TUC and its treacherous acts
Kremlin money - All right Jack
I've seen how democracy is under duress
But I've never seen a nipple in the Daily Express

I've seen the suede jack boot the verbal cosh
Whitehouse Whitelaw whitewash
Blood uptown where the vandals rule
Classroom mafia scandal school
They accuse - I confess
I've never seen a nipple in the Daily Express

Angry columns scream in pain
Love in vain domestic strain
Divorce disease it eats away
The family structure day by day
In the grim pursuit of happiness
I've never seen a nipple in the Daily Express

This paper's boring mindless mean
Full of pornography the kind that's clean
Where William Hickey meets Michael Caine
Again and again and again and again
I've seen millionaires on the DHSS
But I've never seen a nipple in the Daily Express

Tom Jones by JCC

Back in town in a black Rolls Royce
The funky, hunky housewives choice
In one fact he can rejoice
His trousers don't affect his voice

Always like this one:


"BEASLEY STREET"


FAR FROM CRAZY PAVEMENTS
...THE TASTE OF SILVER SPOONS
A CLINICAL ARRANGEMENT
...ON A DIRTY AFTERNOON
WHERE THE FECAL GERMS OF MR. FREUD
...ARE RENDERED OBSOLETE
THE LEGAL TERM IS NULL AND VOID
IN THE CASE OF... BEASLEY STREET


IN THE CHEAP SEATS WHERE MURDER BREEDS
SOMEBODY IS OUT OF BREATH
SLEEP IS A LUXURY THEY DON'T NEED
...A SNEAK PREVIEW OF DEATH
BELLADONNA IS YOUR FLOWER
MANSLAUGHTER YOUR MEAT
SPEND A YEAR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS
ON THE EDGE OF BEASLEY STREET


WHERE THE ACTION ISN'T
THAT'S WHERE IT IS
STATE YOUR POSITION
VACANCIES EXIST
IN AN X-CERTIFICATE EXERCISE
EX-SERVICEMEN EXCRETE
KEITH JOSEPH SMILES AND A BABY DIES
IN A BOX ON BEASLEY STREET


FROM THE BOARDING HOUSES AND THE BEDSITS FULL OF
...ACCIDENTS AND FLEAS
SOMEBODY GETS IT
WHERE THE MISSING PERSONS FREEZE
WEARING DEAD MEN'S OVERCOATS
YOU CAN'T SEE THEIR FEET
A RIFF JOINT SHUTS - OPENS UP
RIGHT DOWN ON BEASLEY STREET


CARS COLLIDE, COLOURS CLASH
DISASTER MOVIE STUFF
FOR A MAN WITH THE FU MANCHU MOUSTACHE
REVENGE IS NOT ENOUGH
THERE'S A DEAD CANARY ON A SWIVEL SEAT
THERE'S A RAINBOW IN THE ROAD
MEANWHILE ON BEASLEY STREET
SILENCE IS THE CODE


HOT BENEATH THE COLLAR
...AN INSPECTOR CALLS
WHERE THE PERISHING STINK OF SQUALOR
...IMPREGNATES THE WALLS
THE RATS HAVE ALL GOT RICKETS
THEY SPIT THROUGH BROKEN TEETH
THE NAME OF THE GAME IS NOT CRICKET
CAUGHT OUT ON ...BEASLEY STREET


THE HIPSTER AND HIS HIRED HAT
DRIVE A BORROWED CAR
YELLOW SOCKS AND A PINK CREVAT
NOTHING LA-DI-DAH
O-A-P
MOTHER-TO-BE
WATCH THE THREE-PIECE SUITE
WHEN SHITSTOPPER DRAINS
AND CROCODILE SKIS
ARE SEEN ON ...BEASLEY STREET


THE KINGDOM OF THE BLIND
...A ONE-EYED MAN IS KING
BEAUTY PROBLEMS ARE REDEFINED
...THE DOORBELLS DO NOT RING
A LIGHT BULB BURST LIKE A BLISTER
THE ONLY FORM OF HEAT
WHERE A FELLOW SELLS HIS SISTER
...DOWN THE RIVER ON BEASLEY STREET


THE BOYS ARE ON THE WAGON
THE GIRLS ARE ON THE SHELF
THEIR COMMON PROBLEM IS
...THAT THEY'RE NOT SOMEONE ELSE
THE DIRT BLOWS OUT
THE DUST BLOWS IN
YOU CAN'T KEEP IT NEAT
IT'S A FULLY FURNISHED DUSTBIN
...SIXTEEN BEASLEY STREET


VINCE THE AGEING SAVAGE
BETRAYS NO KIND OF LIFE
...BUT THE SMELL OF YESTERDAY'S CABBAGE
AND THE GHOST OF LAST YEAR'S WIFE
THROUGH A CONSTANT HAZE
OF DEODORANT SPRAYS
HE SAYS ...RETREAT
ALSATIANS DOG THE DIRTY DAYS
DOWN THE MIDDLE OF BEASLEY STREET


PEOPLE TURN TO POISON
QUICK AS LAGER TURNS TO PISS
SWEETHEARTS ARE PHYSICALLY SICK
EVERY TIME THEY KISS
IT'S A SOCIOLOGIST'S PARADISE
EACH DAY REPEATS
UNEASY, CHEASY, GREASY, QUEASY
...BEASTLY, BEASLEY STREET


EYES DEAD AS VICIOUS FISH
LOOK AROUND FOR LAUGHS
IF I COULD HAVE JUST ONE WISH
I WOULD BE A PHOTOGRAPH
ON A PERMANENT MONDAY MORNING
GET LOST OR FALL ASLEEP
WHEN THE YELLOW CATS ARE YAWNING
AROUND THE BACK OF BEASLEY STREET


LYRICS © JOHN COOPER CLARKE

I once encountered J C-C on the platform of Colchester station- this was long before a career in the locomotive industry was even a twinkle in my eye: Bob Dylan as stick-insect, as someone or other once accurately observed.

I think he lived/lives? in the Colchester area. At any rate, I once attended a great J C-C gig at the nearby Essex University Student's union.

"Beasley Street" was far more effective on that occasion than this rendition from The Old Grey Whistle Test archives in which he's supported by a band:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euD0o0x-jAo

But, as it stands, it's fine. Less vitriolic than the unaccompanied version I heard, but at least it gives those unfamiliar with his work an idea of the accent.

I don't want to go to Burnley

In "How Very Interesting: Peter Cook's Universe and all that Surrounds it" (see Peter Cook & Company thread in the Theatre & Performance section), John Cooper-Clarke is one of the contributors to this anthology of anecdotes about/tributes to the late English satirist. J C-C's anecdote concerns a chance encounter with Cook in the entrance door of a Chelsea (?) clinic specialising in addiction. Peter-walking out- was trying to kick alcohol; John-walking in- was trying to kick heroin.

...not altogether successfully, if this late-period rendition of "Beasley Street" is any indication. The update- "Beasley Boulevard"- is good fun:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/learningzone/clips/john-cooper-clarke-performs-beasley-street-and-beaseley-boulevard/9390.html