Musician jokes

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Musician jokes

Post  pinhedz on Tue May 03, 2011 11:07 am


What's the name of the last round in a viola contest?

Quarter final.


A jazz musician dies and goes to hell.
One of the devils in charge asks which instrument he plays and it turns out that he's a pianist. "That's great", says the devil, "there's a jam session tonight - you wanna join?" - "Well...who's playing?" - "Charlie Parker on alto, John Coltrane on tenor, Charles Mingus on double bass and Elvin Jones on drums." - "Wow! I thought this was hell? It seems like heaven to me!" - "Ah, wait and see - God will bring his girlfriend along and He'll want her to sing."


How can you tell when a drummer is knocking at your door?

The knock keeps speeding up and slowing down and speeding up and slowing down and speeding up and slowing down and speeding up and slowing down and speeding up and slowing down and speeding up and slowing down and........

John McLaughlin

Q: What do you call a drummer without a girl-friend?

A: Homeless.


How do you get a "professional guitarist" off your doorstep?

Pay for the pizza.


How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.


Here's a Ukranian joke-

How do you kill dudka player who is too loud?

With large cudgel.

Eh, it doesn't really translate that well.

John McLaughlin

Q: How can you tell the stage is level at a bluegrass festival?

A: THe drool is coming out of both sides of the banjo-picker's mouth.


That strikes me as a hillbillyist rather than a musicianist joke, John.

But, in keeping with the spirit, here's a "canonical list" of 10 banjo jokes (there's a whole passel more of them li'l tigers at

What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)…
Chain Saw:

    1. a chain saw has a dynamic range.

    2. you can turn a chain saw off.

    3. South American Macaw: one is loud, obnoxious, and noisy; and the other is a bird.

    4. Harley Davidson Motorcycle: you can tune a Harley.

    5. Onion: no one cries when you cut up a banjo.

    6. Trampoline: you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

    7. Uzi an uzi only repeats forty times.

How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five; one to screw it in and four to:

    1. complain that it's electric.

    2. lament about how much they miss the old one.

    3. complain that Earl wouldn't have done it thata-way.

John McLaughlin

Hillbillyist? H'm. I guess it's derived directly from the scene in the movie Deliverance, where they come across a young hillbilly kid sitting on a porch picking the banjo, huh?


albino Ah guess!

Deliverance, good music, disturbing film, which perpetuated a poor image of 'hillbilly' people and of 'hillbilly' musicians - which rubs off, naturally, on bluegrass (hell, it's just hillbilly music, ain't it?).

Some inbred hillbillies, these guys, fer sure!


-- Doctor, will I be able to play the violin after my hand injury heals? Neutral

-- Why certainly, my boy.

-- That's great news, doc--I never could play it before. Very Happy

John McLaughlin

Define "perfect pitch."

That's when you toss a banjo/ accordion/ tinwhistle into the toilet without touching the sides.


The manuscripts of PDQ Bach can be dated by measuring the diameter of the stains made by the beer steins PDQ Bach was drinking from while composing in his favorite tavern in Rhein on Mein. The size of the Steins in the tavern are known to have changed a number of times over several decades of PDQ Bach's creative work.

This technique for dating manuscripts is known as the "stein way."

bada bing. What a Face tongue silent
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Re: Musician jokes

Post  Dick Fitzwell on Tue May 03, 2011 12:12 pm

pinhedz wrote:How do you get a "professional guitarist" off your doorstep?

Pay for the pizza.


Dick Fitzwell

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